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The-simpsons

(Bart notices Homer's new shoes.)
Bart: Whoa! Assassins!
Homer: Yep. Heh, heh. Read 'em and weep.
Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: $125!
Homer: Bart! (Reaches down to choke Bart.)
Bart: Aah!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
a single fire.
Marge: Hmmm!

(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Marge and Lisa: (Scream in unison)
Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Sobs)
Homer: (Consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: (Screams) My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!

(Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper.)
Homer: Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (Pause) Hear what? (Pause) Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! (Homer pants into the phone like a dog.)
Homer: Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. (In a dog's voice) I wuv you!
(Pulls the phone away from his mouth.)
Homer: Good dog! Good doggie!
(Puts phone back near his mouth.)
Homer: Isn't that amazing? See you soon! (Hangs up phone.) Whoo-hoo!

(Lisa pleads her case to keep Santa's Little Helper.)
Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away?
Homer: (Sniffling) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. (Hugs Lisa)

(Grandpa talks with Homer in his hospital room.)
Grandpa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
(Homer scoots closer.)
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grandpa: Pee-yew! Not that close!

(The family says farewell to Herb.)
Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe? Why, you sponge head! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
(Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.)
Marge: (Consoles Homer) Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.

(Bart inquires about Herb.)
Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: Bart!
Bart: His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Hmm!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Marge: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard. Bastard, bastard.

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: (Yells) Just a little further!
Marge: Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Homer: Oh.

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