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The-simpsons

Homer (on Maggie): Let her slice off the tip of your ear and she'll go right to sleep.
Carl: No
Homer: That's not a choice you get to make.

Oh, I always thought tarred and feathered was just a figure of speech. Good luck patching pot holes and stuffing pillows now!

Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers.
Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.

Homer: Sorry, Dad. I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
Grampa: You idiot! Dragon always coughs the moon back up.

We shows girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow things up on the Fourth of July. I just pray they never fall on the same day.

Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders.

Grampa: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer: You never showed it to me!
Grampa: A stupid alcoholic hippo!

Mapple Salesperson: The lightest, most desirable computer in the world, for the next three weeks - the Mapple Void.
Homer: I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.

Man, this website makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.

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