Homer: No no honey, I love everything you force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.
Bart: And what does that get you?
Homer: Hopefully not a you.

Dad I apologize. I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true. I love you.

Homer: Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.
Moe: Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Marge: What are we going to do?
Homer: It's not so bad sweety, I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room. The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.

Lisa: Remember when Apu let dad have the expired hot dog?
Homer: Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.

Bart: Dad, are you gonna snitch on me?
Homer: Moes before bros.

Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.
Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.

But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow I get to tell everyone why.

Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.

Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?
Homer: It's called The Bachelor.

Homer: She's gone!
Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

The Simpsons Quotes

Lisa's Brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes 'rock'.
Bart's Brain: Good ol' 'rock'. Nuthin' beats that!
Bart: Rock!
Lisa: Paper.
Bart: D'oh!

Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV Sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now so I'll pretend you didn't say that!