Homer: No no honey, I love everything you force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.
Bart: And what does that get you?
Homer: Hopefully not a you.

Dad I apologize. I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true. I love you.

Homer: Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.
Moe: Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Marge: What are we going to do?
Homer: It's not so bad sweety, I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room. The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.

Lisa: Remember when Apu let dad have the expired hot dog?
Homer: Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.

Bart: Dad, are you gonna snitch on me?
Homer: Moes before bros.

Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.
Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.

But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow I get to tell everyone why.

Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.

Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?
Homer: It's called The Bachelor.

Homer: She's gone!
Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

The Simpsons Quotes

Officer Eddie: (reading Steve Sax's license) Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Officer Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
(Lou and Eddie laugh)
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Officer Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!