Laurie: Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeld now?
Jules: Was that that Jewish guy you dated in High School?
Ellie: No, he had a huge TV show. Must see TV?
Jules: Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's must see.

Ellie: Should I remove your nuts?
Laurie: Oh, it's not you, she's just a horrible person.

I'm not high anymore.

Dershwasher

Laurie: This will cheer you up! I have really good news?
Ellie: Are you sterile?!

Hey pale face, how's the sun feel for the first time?

Ellie: Wow, you're annoying.
Jules: I know, but I'll always have your back.
Ellie: And I'm more loyal than I am mean.
Jules: Oh, well you're real loyal aren't you?

Jellybean, you are the verbal equivalent of huffing paint.

Oh my God, it's so nice to be anywhere without a Cuban man climbing all over me.

Sweetie, I think the paperboy is here. You want to go throw rocks at him? Okay, nothing bigger than a quarter.

I wish Terry the Train would crash and burn to death in a fire.

Grayson: So Tom has a girlfriend. Does she not like Ellie?
Ellie: What? Why?
Grayson: Just assuming.
Ellie: Fair enough.

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Grayson: Shall we?
Jules: Indeed!