There is no greater tragedy than outliving your own wine glass.

Jules: The mayor’s wife can take a bottle of wine?
Ellie: Uh, no that’s more of an Ellie thing. We should walk faster.

Jules: Hey, does it make me gay if I eat this?
Ellie: I think it does.
Jules: Well I’m doing it anyway.
Laurie: Do you want a fork?

You don’t count she lets you see her naked.

Jules: Ever since I got back from Hollywood I've turned into a real movie slut.
Andy: I think you mean movie buff.
Ellie: No, no she's right, the expression is movie slut - change approved.

Ellie: Stan the bartender?
Andy: We have a son named Stan.
Ellie: Oh, sure sure.

Ellie: I'd be so much of a better husband than you. You're lucky you have a penis.
Grayson: Yup, they're pretty cool.

I don't know what you're thinking, but it's like watching a gay porn with just one dude in it.

Jules: When did you get so good at lying?
Ellie: There's no shortcut. Just practice, practice, practice.

Jules: Time for family dinner.
Grayson: Uh, if it's family, then why is she here?
Ellie: What am I supposed to do eat with Andy? I did that yesterday.

Laurie: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ellie: You're an American treasure.

Travis: You know, I've actually been experimenting at school.
Ellie: I totally called that!
Jules: What's his name? Is he cute?
Travis: I meant with religion.
Jules: Aw man, I was excited to show you how cool I'd be about it.

Cougar Town Quotes

Jules: Wine in the morning on the weekends. Lets all think about it people.
Bobby: Think about what?
Grayson: Morning drinking.

Jules: It's time to suck up!
Ellie: That's for boys.
Jules: It's time to uterus up!