Ellie: Why are those two so mopey?
Andy: You know that secret I've been keeping since Thanksgiving? Well I'll save the heart burn and stress so I'm just gonna let it out. Bobby and Grayson are both kind of interested in Jules.
Ellie: Are you telling me the overly flirty next door neighbor and the ex-husband who's never not here both like Jules? That is a revelation!

Jules: Not that I would date two guys at the same time anyways, because in grade school this nun told me if I kissed two boys in one day their spit would mix in my mouth and it would kill me.
Ellie: Religion is fantastic.

Laurie: If Matt Damon weren't married and if he weren't a movie star and if he lived this town, we would totally date.
Jules: That's a lot of if's.
Ellie: Yeah, not enough.

Ellie: Racist Uncle or Drug Dealer Uncle?
Jules: Racist Uncle. Drug Dealer Uncle is now Prison Uncle.
Ellie: Oh right, because of Detective Cousin.

Ellie: Why are your boyfriends acting so weird?
Andy: First of all, only Bobby is my boyfiend and they're not acting weird.

Jules: In one of our friendship talks, Travis told me she's not even on the pill. Condoms break all the time.
Laurie: Especially if there's piercings involved.
Ellie: Stop, I'm begging you.

Laurie: That's a nice top, but I couldn't wear it because of these puppies. [grabs boobs]
Kylie: Okay....
Ellie: Leave her alone! Hey, that's a nice necklace, are your parents rich?

Ellie: Do you remember that great Thanksgiving blowup where your uncle mike got drunk and told your cousin she was invited.
Jules: She was fourteen and Korean, on some level she knew.

Grayson: So you're having the whole gang over turkey day, huh?
Jules: Well
Grayson: I don't really have any plans since my wife left and all our friends were pretty much her friends. And both my parents are dead....
Ellie: Did they die in the last six months?
Jules: No.
Ellie: Then who cares? Hand me my drink.

That's the reason I got a Cabana! To avoid guys with barb wired tattoos.

Laurie [to Jules for picture]: Arch your back and stick out your chest
Ellie: And say classy!

You need to warn me when you're going to give me life advice so I can get out my notebook

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

We're even wearing the same unisex cologne. "Both" by Bruce Jenner.

Laurie