Jules: She's so young she may actually be from the future.
Ellie: Does her dad work on the moon?

Jules: I had sex in your house. Right over there.
Ellie: So? We conceived Stan on your kitchen island.

Ellie: When Andy and I met, we were in the same circle of friends, but basically, it was just a doink chain that I worked my way around.
Andy: And guess who was last?

Ellie: How are you not embarrassed?
Bobby: Sorry Ellie, can't be done.
Andy: It's true, this is the guy who's main goal in life is to party so hard he craps his pants in every country.
Bobby: I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Ellie: We are not friends, human beings cannot be friends with chimps
Bobby: Sure they can. My buddy Daryl was best friends with his chimp, Binky.
Jules: It's true. Until Binky turned six and then he get angry one day and ripped of Daryl's arm.
Bobby: They're still friends, they're just not best friends.

Bobby: What up reading glasses? What'd you get those for your 1000th birthday?
Ellie: You are the only one that finds my deteriorating eyesight amusing.

Ellie: You know what panties are? They're a type of clothes most women wear under their skirts.
Laurie: Pass.

Jules: If you're not going to talk to me, why'd you come back to my house?
Ellie: Cause I'm wet and I know you just recovered your couch.

I'm a very sensual person. I give off intense pheromones. That's why cats don't like me.

Jules: I want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Ellie: sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.
Jules: I'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.
Ellie: See, that's not a great out loud thought.

Jules: I'm actually feeling a little guilty. Last night you left your purse here and when the pizza man came i was two dollars short, so I took it from you.
Ellie: Two bucks? Big deal.
Jules: I also took a pack of gum, lipstick, and 28 other dollars. I was going out to get wine.
Ellie: You stole from me to support a drinking habit? I am so proud of you.

That's a pine cone, no matter how much you keep fondling it, it'll never take you to Cabo.