Jules: She's so young she may actually be from the future.
Ellie: Does her dad work on the moon?

Jules: I had sex in your house. Right over there.
Ellie: So? We conceived Stan on your kitchen island.

Ellie: When Andy and I met, we were in the same circle of friends, but basically, it was just a doink chain that I worked my way around.
Andy: And guess who was last?

Ellie: How are you not embarrassed?
Bobby: Sorry Ellie, can't be done.
Andy: It's true, this is the guy who's main goal in life is to party so hard he craps his pants in every country.
Bobby: I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Ellie: We are not friends, human beings cannot be friends with chimps
Bobby: Sure they can. My buddy Daryl was best friends with his chimp, Binky.
Jules: It's true. Until Binky turned six and then he get angry one day and ripped of Daryl's arm.
Bobby: They're still friends, they're just not best friends.

Bobby: What up reading glasses? What'd you get those for your 1000th birthday?
Ellie: You are the only one that finds my deteriorating eyesight amusing.

Ellie: You know what panties are? They're a type of clothes most women wear under their skirts.
Laurie: Pass.

Jules: If you're not going to talk to me, why'd you come back to my house?
Ellie: Cause I'm wet and I know you just recovered your couch.

I'm a very sensual person. I give off intense pheromones. That's why cats don't like me.

Jules: I want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Ellie: sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.
Jules: I'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.
Ellie: See, that's not a great out loud thought.

Jules: I'm actually feeling a little guilty. Last night you left your purse here and when the pizza man came i was two dollars short, so I took it from you.
Ellie: Two bucks? Big deal.
Jules: I also took a pack of gum, lipstick, and 28 other dollars. I was going out to get wine.
Ellie: You stole from me to support a drinking habit? I am so proud of you.

That's a pine cone, no matter how much you keep fondling it, it'll never take you to Cabo.

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Bonnie: I'm not perfect Jules.
Jules: Really.