Ellie: Wow so it's either college twenty minutes away in Sarasota or twenty hours away in California. Which one do you want him to go to?
Jules: Doesn't really matter what I want. It's his choice.
Travis: The weather is so good in California.
Jules: Yeah, and it also has earthquakes and race riots. So you know, everybody just calm down.
Ellie: And there it is.

Ellie: Andy, punishment for cheating?
Andy: Removing my own genitalia with garden shears while you watch.

Sara: Come to dinner tonight. I can't cook, but I'll bring plenty of free wine.
Ellie: Marry me.

Jules: Grayson is totally pursey whipped. That is really gonna catch on. pursey magnet, pursey hound.
Laurie: Pursey cat.
Ellie: That's not how it works.

Nothing could ever make me stop loving you. Except you not drinking. Twelve steps, schmelsteps. Alcohol makes people fun.

Laurie: I'm still young enough that I can totally change who I am.
Ellie: We can only hope.

Jules: She's so young she may actually be from the future.
Ellie: Does her dad work on the moon?

Jules: I had sex in your house. Right over there.
Ellie: So? We conceived Stan on your kitchen island.

Ellie: When Andy and I met, we were in the same circle of friends, but basically, it was just a doink chain that I worked my way around.
Andy: And guess who was last?

Ellie: How are you not embarrassed?
Bobby: Sorry Ellie, can't be done.
Andy: It's true, this is the guy who's main goal in life is to party so hard he craps his pants in every country.
Bobby: I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Ellie: We are not friends, human beings cannot be friends with chimps
Bobby: Sure they can. My buddy Daryl was best friends with his chimp, Binky.
Jules: It's true. Until Binky turned six and then he get angry one day and ripped of Daryl's arm.
Bobby: They're still friends, they're just not best friends.

Bobby: What up reading glasses? What'd you get those for your 1000th birthday?
Ellie: You are the only one that finds my deteriorating eyesight amusing.

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Grayson: Shall we?
Jules: Indeed!