And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Dwight

I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.

Dwight

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.

Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?

Creed: That is "Northern Lights". Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs] No, it's marijuana.

Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.

Dwight: It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Dwight: OK, that is not an eight-foot sub.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight-foot sub. This is eight one-foot subs.
Dwight: F.

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