Jim: The raise isn't real.
Dwight: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.

Those who can't farm, farm celery.

The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know, I'm in an identical situation.

Jim: Why is there so much saliva?
Dwight: All I had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.

Okay, okay. I will be the first to admit it. We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation.

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

Jim: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight: 40...always.

Genghis Kahn could take them both down, because he's not afraid to kill children.

I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.

Dwight: What is the antidote?
Jim: True love's kiss.

Dwight: It's just stress, 'cause I care about this project. Frankly, the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now, I find very alarming.
Erin: Who says none of us are diarrheal?

Ryan: What were the criteria for going?
Dwight: It might be innate goodness versus innate badness.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael