Dwight: I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim: I promiseeeeed other people that I'd be on my worst behavior, and I gave 'em my word so...

I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life, because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin...acting manager.

If I wanted to see a pissing contest I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.

Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone!

What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport. One is a joke. I love sports. I love jokes. Room for all.

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have 70, each one better than the last.

Once you see sausage being made, all you wanna do is make sausage cause it's so much fun.

Michael: I am told there are bears in the Rockies.
Dwight: Where'd you here that? Obvious XM Radio?

Dwight: I just don't see the point of the Dundies, okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue was bad, the fashion was boring.
Michael: Okay, that is unfair. The clothing was safe but tasteful.

Always the padawan, never the jedi.

Dwight: Thanks for meeting me.
Michael: Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle.

But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't a telescope at all. No, it was this packet of beans.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Andy