Dwight: I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim: I promiseeeeed other people that I'd be on my worst behavior, and I gave 'em my word so...

I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life, because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin...acting manager.

If I wanted to see a pissing contest I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.

Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone!

What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport. One is a joke. I love sports. I love jokes. Room for all.

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have 70, each one better than the last.

Once you see sausage being made, all you wanna do is make sausage cause it's so much fun.

Michael: I am told there are bears in the Rockies.
Dwight: Where'd you here that? Obvious XM Radio?

Dwight: I just don't see the point of the Dundies, okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue was bad, the fashion was boring.
Michael: Okay, that is unfair. The clothing was safe but tasteful.

Always the padawan, never the jedi.

Dwight: Thanks for meeting me.
Michael: Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle.

But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't a telescope at all. No, it was this packet of beans.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael