You're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.

Dwight: What is your goal?
Darryl: Help me!
Dwight: What do you want?!
Darryl: To look good for Val!
Dwight: Val Kilmer?! I don't buy it; that doesn't make any sense!...Wow...We figured out your goal...I am gonna make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

I am always acting in self-defense...occasionally preemptive self-defense.

We figured out your goal. I'm gonna make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

Dwight: What do you want?!?!
Darryl: To look good for Val!
Dwight: Val Kilmer?!? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense.

How do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl.

Darryl: I figured I'd start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings?

Jim: Stop shoving me.
Dwight: Aww, stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up.

Does your husband have very soft erections?

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