Wilson: Who rents porn anymore? Can't you get this stuff on the Internet?
House: You can. But you can't get the director's cut.

Wilson: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.

Wilson: You try Lucas?
Cuddy: He's either sleeping or avoiding me.
Wilson: You in a fight?
Cuddy: Not yet, but we're gonna be.

You are the diabolical, yet benevolent puppet master.

Wilson: I think you're actually being nice.
House: Oh, shut up.

Wilson: Are you out of your mind?
House: As a former psychiatric patient, I take exception to that terminology.

Wilson: What are you doing?
House: Canoeing, but I seem to be taking on water.

Dr. Wilson: Wait a minute, is that acutally a check for him?
House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

House: Some idiot I went to med school with keeps leaving messages. Wants to drop by for lunch.
Dr. Wilson: So tell him no.
House: It's complicated.
Dr. Wilson: It's too complicated for you to tell someone you don't like to screw off? That's practically your hobby.

Wilson: If there's any Karma in this, he's probably happier than you are.
House: Good point.

You can't sleep in your own office, or bedroom for that matter?

Wilson: Gregory House, will you marry me?
House: This is unexpected.

House Quotes

You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.

House

You're an ass!

Dr. Adams