Wilson: Who rents porn anymore? Can't you get this stuff on the Internet?
House: You can. But you can't get the director's cut.

Wilson: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.

Wilson: You try Lucas?
Cuddy: He's either sleeping or avoiding me.
Wilson: You in a fight?
Cuddy: Not yet, but we're gonna be.

You are the diabolical, yet benevolent puppet master.

Wilson: I think you're actually being nice.
House: Oh, shut up.

Wilson: Are you out of your mind?
House: As a former psychiatric patient, I take exception to that terminology.

Wilson: What are you doing?
House: Canoeing, but I seem to be taking on water.

Dr. Wilson: Wait a minute, is that acutally a check for him?
House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

House: Some idiot I went to med school with keeps leaving messages. Wants to drop by for lunch.
Dr. Wilson: So tell him no.
House: It's complicated.
Dr. Wilson: It's too complicated for you to tell someone you don't like to screw off? That's practically your hobby.

Wilson: If there's any Karma in this, he's probably happier than you are.
House: Good point.

You can't sleep in your own office, or bedroom for that matter?

Wilson: Gregory House, will you marry me?
House: This is unexpected.

House Quotes

It's easy to be nice to people you like. Being nice to people you hate, that's a skill.

Wilson

35 year old male who cries blood and is not Vampire Bill. Go!

House