Sam: When did you get all OCD?
Wilson: I just want clean dishes and cold milk so we can all stay healthy.

House, on a list of your attributes, there's nothing that even rhymes with coy.

House: I bumped into your babe, naked.
Dr. Wilson: I told you to stay out of my bathroom.
House: I was in the kitchen.
Dr. Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen?
House: I was naked.
Dr. Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?
House: Uh, it's not important right now.

Thirteen: Dare. But no nudity.
Wilson: Yes, nudity. I want you to show your breasts to Taub.

Thirteen: What now?
Wilson: Truth or dare?
Thirteen: No! You don't wanna mess with me.

You know, they don't actually come to life when you put a knob off a bedpost on them.

Dr. Wilson

Dr. Wilson: Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast?
House: Get a table, and I won't eat on the couch.
Dr. Wilson: You, you will.
House: But I won't have a good excuse.

Wilson: Your biological father is a minister?
House: Natural selection is not an infallible force.

Giving House a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No.

House: I can't find my pornos.
Wilson: Have you tried offering a reward?

Chase: I'm not that good looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: You kind of are.

Your odds of a happy ending are nearly as good as staying home and watching porn.

House Quotes

People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it.

House

Arlene [to Cuddy]: If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker.
Julia: She's not telling us we look fat. That's a major breakthrough.
Arlene: If you didn't want to be insulted, you wouldn't have invited me.