Sam: When did you get all OCD?
Wilson: I just want clean dishes and cold milk so we can all stay healthy.

House, on a list of your attributes, there's nothing that even rhymes with coy.

House: I bumped into your babe, naked.
Dr. Wilson: I told you to stay out of my bathroom.
House: I was in the kitchen.
Dr. Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen?
House: I was naked.
Dr. Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?
House: Uh, it's not important right now.

Thirteen: Dare. But no nudity.
Wilson: Yes, nudity. I want you to show your breasts to Taub.

Thirteen: What now?
Wilson: Truth or dare?
Thirteen: No! You don't wanna mess with me.

You know, they don't actually come to life when you put a knob off a bedpost on them.

Dr. Wilson

Dr. Wilson: Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast?
House: Get a table, and I won't eat on the couch.
Dr. Wilson: You, you will.
House: But I won't have a good excuse.

Wilson: Your biological father is a minister?
House: Natural selection is not an infallible force.

Giving House a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No.

House: I can't find my pornos.
Wilson: Have you tried offering a reward?

Chase: I'm not that good looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: You kind of are.

Your odds of a happy ending are nearly as good as staying home and watching porn.

House Quotes

You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.

House

You're an ass!

Dr. Adams