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House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Dr. Wilson: Experience.

Dr. Wilson: Well, at least the Alzheimer's patient in 202 won't remember she only got half a ham sandwich.
House: I'm doing her a favor.

Dr. Wilson: I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.
House: But it's been working so well.

Dr. Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there," while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
House: I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out.
Dr. Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.
House: I wish I was nicer.

Dr. Wilson: This is actually good, House. She's committing crimes. What does that tell you?
House: I'm a horrible influence.
Dr. Wilson: True. A horrible influence she's reaching out to. She's looking for ways to connect. Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile, and insane, but so are you.

House: Yeah. I have to avoid this problem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, that's not avoiding the problem, it's avoiding the issue.
House: Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. Thanks.

Dr. Wilson: House, everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring a patient to death.
House: You talked to Taub.
Dr. Wilson: He's worried about you.
House: He's a jerk.
Dr. Wilson: I'm worried too.
House: Do I need to say it?

Dr. Cuddy: It's time for our meeting in Human Resources.
House: Hmmm. Human Resources. Now why would I need to go to Human Resources?
Dr. Wilson: House, you've been to Human Resources 74 times in the last six weeks.

Wilson: I was wondering what your plans were.
House: Tonight?
Wilson: In life.

Dr. Wilson: I was telling a 39-year-old woman that she has breast cancer.
House: No, you weren't.
Dr. Wilson: How do you know?
House: Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours.

Dr. Wilson: Just think of this as a dream.
Sam: What about House?
Dr. Wilson: I said a dream, not a nightmare.

I'm getting a lecture in communication from someone who had her lawyer tell me she wanted a divorce.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 127 in total

House Quotes

People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it.

House

House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates...
House: (showing her sonogram) It has your eyes.