House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Dr. Wilson: Experience.

Dr. Wilson: Well, at least the Alzheimer's patient in 202 won't remember she only got half a ham sandwich.
House: I'm doing her a favor.

Dr. Wilson: I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.
House: But it's been working so well.

Dr. Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there," while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
House: I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out.
Dr. Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.
House: I wish I was nicer.

Dr. Wilson: This is actually good, House. She's committing crimes. What does that tell you?
House: I'm a horrible influence.
Dr. Wilson: True. A horrible influence she's reaching out to. She's looking for ways to connect. Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile, and insane, but so are you.

House: Yeah. I have to avoid this problem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, that's not avoiding the problem, it's avoiding the issue.
House: Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. Thanks.

Dr. Wilson: House, everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring a patient to death.
House: You talked to Taub.
Dr. Wilson: He's worried about you.
House: He's a jerk.
Dr. Wilson: I'm worried too.
House: Do I need to say it?

Dr. Cuddy: It's time for our meeting in Human Resources.
House: Hmmm. Human Resources. Now why would I need to go to Human Resources?
Dr. Wilson: House, you've been to Human Resources 74 times in the last six weeks.

Wilson: I was wondering what your plans were.
House: Tonight?
Wilson: In life.

Dr. Wilson: I was telling a 39-year-old woman that she has breast cancer.
House: No, you weren't.
Dr. Wilson: How do you know?
House: Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours.

Dr. Wilson: Just think of this as a dream.
Sam: What about House?
Dr. Wilson: I said a dream, not a nightmare.

I'm getting a lecture in communication from someone who had her lawyer tell me she wanted a divorce.

House Quotes

You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.

House

You're an ass!

Dr. Adams