Ray: Ooh! Here's an idea. Why don't you just saw your God damned head off?
Cyril: Geez. What's up your butt?
Ray: Nothing is up my butt, Cyril. Oh, or maybe there is. I wouldn't know because I'm paralyzed from the waist down and it's Archer's fault!
Krieger: Uh, gettin' some mileage out of that, huh?

It's like a vagina with a zipper.

Cyril: Every single time we come here we have to help you get rid of a dead body.
Malory: Well you've only been here twice.

Cyril: And I thought, what would Lana do?
Archer: Not Archer?
Cyril: No, I had to outsmart them.

Cyril: I was jacking it on the telephone.
Archer: Does Internet porn know you were cheating on it?

Cyril: Kriegers father's was a Nazi scientist.
Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
Cyril: What!? That's like comparing apples to Nazi oranges.

Malory: Especially Sterling. If he found out i might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated. This information cannot leave this... Pam what the hell?
Pam: What? Nothing.
Malory: You're texting about my...
Pam: I'm not I swear, this is about...
Cheryl: Breast caner! Oh, you poor thing.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: what?
Malory: What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer!

Malory: So make her 40.
Cyril: And who's going to play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point.
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite amount of Vaseline in the world?

Malory: I think I can sell them on a rewrite, if you fix it.
Cyril: For starters, I don't think you wanna say this guy is as coal black and thick-muscled as a fieldhand.
Malory: I don't need you for content, just for plot structure.
Cyril: Racist overtones aside, it really kinda limits your casting options. I mean, only two, three guys could play that.

You can't have a flasback with a flashforward in it. That's just bad writing.

Archer: Judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin has one of those kick ass Japanese soaking tubs.
Cyril: After all that you want to take a bath?
Archer: Do you not?

Cyril: I have one bullet left.
George Spelvin: He does?
Archer: Who am I? Count Bulletsula? Like Dracula. That was bad. Come back to me. I can do better.

Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?