Can I borrow that ostrich?

Chief Wiggum

(about Donny) When he grows up, I want to be like me!

Ralph Wiggum

The rat symbolizes obviousness!

</i> Ralph Wiggum

(In "Mr. & Mrs. Simpson" Chief Wiggum shows up while Marge and Homer are in the midst of trying to kill each other.)
Chief Wiggum: We got a complaint from an anonymous "neighborino" about an elaborately choreographed, high octane, ultra-fight.
(Marge shoots Chief Wiggum through the chest with a crossbow.)
Chief Wiggum: I would have taken a bribe. (Collapses on the floor.)

(During the hostage situation, Officer Eddie rushes a package to Chief Wiggum)
Chief Wiggum: Finally, the help we need--a DVD of The Negotiator.
(Chief Wiggum places the DVD into a portable DVD player.)
Chief Wiggum: Hmm, hmm. Which chapter should we skip to? "Meet Danny Roman," "Trouble Brewing," "Off the Case," "My Baby's In There," "Enter Niebaum," "Take the Shot," "Sabian's Choice," Check and Mate," "Friends at Last," "Closing Credits"?

(after getting shot) I always thought I'd die of hepatitis!

(Chief Wiggum takes care of the robot vacuum cleaners gone wild.)
Chief Wiggum: These innocent robots-- (shoots one) --couldn't have done this on their own-- (shoots another) --someone would have to turn them all on at once-- (shoots another) --and then set them on some kind of malevolent sentience.
(Picks one up and examines a switch that reads "On", "Off" and "Malevolent Sentience" with the switch turned to the latter.)
Chief Wiggum: Yep, there it is.

The minute you go undercover, it's like you don't even know me!

I bet that looked super cool in slow motion. Too bad we saw it in regular motion.

Oh my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

Chief Wiggum: Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms guns and tazers!
Snake: (in a police uniform) Ohhhhh, Fry piggy. (charges tazer)
Chief Wiggum: No, no -- no don't -- aargh! Aargh! A little to the left... aah, that's the stuff.

Homer: Hello, Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a robbery.
Chief Wiggum: (bored) A robbery, right. Thanks for the report. (hangs up) That's another one, Lou 723 Evergreen Terrace. (Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it) Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it hereand I move these over here hello! It almost looks like an arrow!
Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!

The Simpsons Quotes

Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!