Claire: Alex what have I told you about staying out past your curfew?
Alex: I need to do it more often.

Yesterday I accidentally said eleventy five.

All of that explaining is going out and the alcohol is not going in.

I wanted to tell Haley the dangers of starting a family too early but what could I say that couldn't have been said better by a screaming baby?

Haley: Dad tried to fix all our problems and instead ruined all our lives.
Alex: Nightmare.
Claire: You girls are so dramatic. Do I need to call you a wambulance?

Claire: You have an in law who no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can't win over.
Jay: What about it?
Claire: Oh that doesn't sound familiar?
Jay:You're not saying.
Claire: Mmhmm, yeah I am.
Jay: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!

Claire: Wow pretty cozy with the new housekeeper huh?
Gloria: She's my sister.
Claire: Wow pretty weird with your sister!

Phil: Is there some kind of dress code for Godparents?
Claire: You're not wearing a fedora Phil.

What middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh that's right, all of them!

It was the day after Thanksgiving and I came in under budget for all my Christmas gifts and you know how that gets me going.

Cam: Okay what did we learn from "A League of Their Own?"
Claire: No crying in baseball.
Cam: No, that Madonna's a lousy actress and so are you. So what's going on?

His turn offs are farms, Fizbo, and worst of all Farmbo.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Manny: Hello Ma'am, do you love Christmas?
Neighbor: Actually I'm Jewish.
Manny: Well then you must appreciate a good value.