Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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Phil: Is there some kind of dress code for Godparents?
Claire: You're not wearing a fedora Phil.

What middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh that's right, all of them!

It was the day after Thanksgiving and I came in under budget for all my Christmas gifts and you know how that gets me going.

Cam: Okay what did we learn from "A League of Their Own?"
Claire: No crying in baseball.
Cam: No, that Madonna's a lousy actress and so are you. So what's going on?

His turn offs are farms, Fizbo, and worst of all Farmbo.

Claire: You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
Phil: yeah you make a shiv out of a rusty spoon or a shard of glass.
Claire: Or a human femur.
Phil: Exactly, be creative.

My daughter's been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, eh?

If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it.

I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay.

Claire: Why are we hugging?
Cam: Because I know if he called you for help, heard as many insults as I know he had to hear, then he had a worse day than me.

Dad your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do.

Claire: It's shaving time, shavy gravy, Shaved by the Bell!
Alex: Why are you talking like dad?

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