Haley: That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.
Claire: What? We are going there right now!
Phil: Wait, wait are you sure?
Haley: I'm gonna answer and then I'm gonna walk away, deal? I'm 420% sure.
Phil: Wow, she's bad at math.

Is this what you’re gonna do with your life? Sleep late and take a selfie?

Wow so intense. I had no idea the kind of pressure you were under. Hunnie, I was just you for two hours, I could barely hold it together. I don’t know how you don’t have a meltdown everyday.

Driving with Alex is torture. She drives so slowly, I have to be the only parent who slams on the imaginary gas.

Claire: So I finally get out of the closet and there’s dad looking down on me.
Mitchell: Been there.

I was kind of the star of the evening. I got a huge laugh when I coined the phrase “shelf esteem.” Huh? Yeah? Okay, I’ll text it to Phil.

Have you seen the way he looks at her? The same way he used to look at Halloween candy.

Did you see that? When has your dad ever not wanted to pull Luke's finger. He's hurting.

Claire: It's a little tight.
Phil: Well the salesman said it was the style and he looked like a Mumford and Son so I think he would know.

Phil: Remember before we had kids and could just lie in bed all Saturday?
Claire: That's how we got them.
Phil: Why did I have to be so sexy?

Hunnie when I met you, you were a wedding DJ. By the way Spinderfella, looks like you still need to hit the grocery store.

Phil: Little heads up, there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding.
Claire: Phil you cried on the way here.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me