Oh c'mon please, my dad is Ms. Dunphy, I'm just Claire!

Claire: Well hello! How is your first day back in the closet...business?
Mitchell: That makes no sense, I've never worked here before.
Claire: It's just a gay joke Mitchell. Don't over-think it.

Haley [smells pot]: Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley: Ok.

I know you think you discovered the new you, but you're controlling even when you're trying to not be controlling.

Mitchell [to Claire]

Claire: We are having fun.
Mitchell: You are. I'm just doing what you're making me do.

Claire: Don't you need to check IDs?
Bouncer: No sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

I wanna hear your point but right now this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim up bar.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire