What, are you going to the ball Cinderella? Live a little.

Kids these days get trophies just for showing up. What's that gonna lead to? A bunch of thirty year olds living at home.

Gloria: I said I was sorry! But I've had them since I was two. Huge ones!
Phil: What is she...?
Claire: Earrings, Phil. Earrings.

Please don't let me screw up our son!

Wait! There's the esteem-building parent right there. Wait! I think I hear future Lily sending us a message from her stripper pole. Thanks gay-dad dads; this dance is for you!

Cameron

Phil: You're just a worrier, like when you thought he was never gonna talk.
Claire: He was two, and all he could do was bark.
Phil: I understood him.

Luke: One time, she gave me a Woody.
Claire: Sweet J...
Luke: She remembered he's my favorite character from Toy Story.

Mitchell: Did we come at a bad time?
Claire: Come back in five years and seven months when they're all gone!

Claire: Phil, the frying pan is on fire!
Phil: Son of Jor-El! Everybody stay calm!

Sweetie we did it! Our baby is average!

Haley: What are my friends at school going to think?
Claire: They'll think you're helping your father put food on the table.

If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Krueger had a lovechild, he would be afraid of our next-door neighbor.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me