Claire: Alright ladies. Go home, roll up your hair and clap off the lights because this guy, who I just met, is gonna show me a good time.
Mitchell: If he was straight this would be just like high school.

When did you two become such old women?

I have 3 kids, I've been tired since 2005.

I take my eye off the ball for one minute and I've got one kid in a coma, one with a black eye, and one running a crime ring.

Turns out I've had my super-Dunphy all along.

Phil I think those are jazz shoes.

Claire: None of you believe me so I got proof. You should all be sucking it right now!
Gloria: Claire, please, enough with the sucking it! They're children!

Phil: Guess it's just one of those things that we'll never know, like what really happened to the Titanic.
Claire: It hit an iceberg.
Phil: Maybe.

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire: Could you grab an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice.

Phil: Hey momma bear, you okay?
Claire: Not with momma bear I'm not.

Claire: Luke, honey, come back I said I was sorry.
Luke: I'm 12, I need limits.