Phil: Guess it's just one of those things that we'll never know, like what really happened to the Titanic.
Claire: It hit an iceberg.
Phil: Maybe.

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire: Could you grab an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice.

Phil: Hey momma bear, you okay?
Claire: Not with momma bear I'm not.

Claire: Luke, honey, come back I said I was sorry.
Luke: I'm 12, I need limits.

What, are you going to the ball Cinderella? Live a little.

Kids these days get trophies just for showing up. What's that gonna lead to? A bunch of thirty year olds living at home.

Gloria: I said I was sorry! But I've had them since I was two. Huge ones!
Phil: What is she...?
Claire: Earrings, Phil. Earrings.

Please don't let me screw up our son!

Wait! There's the esteem-building parent right there. Wait! I think I hear future Lily sending us a message from her stripper pole. Thanks gay-dad dads; this dance is for you!


Phil: You're just a worrier, like when you thought he was never gonna talk.
Claire: He was two, and all he could do was bark.
Phil: I understood him.

Luke: One time, she gave me a Woody.
Claire: Sweet J...
Luke: She remembered he's my favorite character from Toy Story.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]