The only time I break a sweat is when we run after the ice cream truck

Phil

Luke: Why does Alex get a care package and not me?
Claire: You live in a care package.

Phil, we're them! We're the cover of the old people pamphlet.

Phil: Trust me I'm cool as a cucumber. Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.
Claire: You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Claire: You think maybe you're being a little hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents Claire, it's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

Claire: You know Luke has failed that driver's test twice now right?
Mitchell: My options today are frat house, duck village, or car crash. I'm feeling very comfortable with my decision.

Claire: Phil, duck feed!
Phil: Hey, that's almost my name.

Phil: It's time, somebody warm some towels!
Claire: Every time I crack an egg, really?

Claire: We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can only mean one of two things. Either she's going to be valedictorian, or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.

I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.

Let's review. She's been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous. She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love, and most suspicious of all, she bought a book!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Modern Family Quotes

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay