Mitchell: Oh my God, there's Sandy.
Cam: Sandra Bullock?
Mitchell: Yeah we're such good friends, I just call her Sandy.

We were great together, we spoke each other's language, we finished each other's balloon animals.

It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career. That's the reason there are so many single clowns.

Do you think it would be offensive to ask my daughter to walk on my back?

Cam: I'm playing a drinking game. It's called everytime I feel depressed about something, I take a drink.
Mitchell: That's already a game. It's called alcoholism.

Cam: I'm sorry but you know I have two weakness: children cursing and old people rapping!

More like Little Bo Cheap.

Cam: It's kind of like a first date.
Mitchell: Actually it's the opposite of the first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want a baby.

Cam: Why so much tape Jay?
Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cam: It's my Christmas sweater!
Jay: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

Cam and Jay, kind of sounds like a bird.

Do you know what's illegal in Europe? Nothing! You're going to college!

Claire [to Haley]

All this from someone who never chunked a Punkin!