Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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Alex: I know what you think about Michael, mom. You didn't have to bring your big gay guns in to back you up. No offense.
Mitchell: None taken.
Cam: I kinda like it.

Cam: When I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell: You're kinda proud of it, you work it into a lot of conversations.

We agreed to tell Lily the about her mother together wearing calming earth tones and we agreed to tell her the truth!

I'm tired of people not noticing the new physique. If this doesn't work I'm breaking out the diaper and top hat and going as baby New Year.

Nobody's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume

Claire: Why are we hugging?
Cam: Because I know if he called you for help, heard as many insults as I know he had to hear, then he had a worse day than me.

Why don't you call my dad and talk about what a teet-sucking layabout I am?

Is this kindergarten or the Hunger Games?

If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole and let the birds peck out your eyes.

Mitchell: I think I'm laying on a rock.
Cam: I'm laying next to mine.

There are coyotes out here, and meth addicts!

Oh I'm sorry are my pinkies up? They do that when I get excited. Down girls.

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