Mitchell: She wants us to buy Lily a Blackberry.
Cam: She doesn't have the dexterity for that!

Cam: I hate your beard.
Mitchell: Wow, you had that bullet in the chamber.

After the earthquake, it might be nice to be around similarly dressed people.

Pepper: I feel like a joke.
Cam: You're not a joke. You're Pepper Salzman!

It was the nineties, we'd just lost Princess Di. I was at sea.

Cam [on dating Pepper]

Mitchell: Nobody kisses at a bowling alley!
Cam: I almost got a turkey!

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

Mitchell: Aren't you going to change into a working man's outfit?
Cameron: I don't think workmen really call them outfits.

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

If I have to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one more time, I will snap!

Every home-improvement project we've undertaken has been a near-death experience.

I get it, you're terrfied of small talk and birds, you're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil