Cam: I hate your beard.
Mitchell: Wow, you had that bullet in the chamber.

After the earthquake, it might be nice to be around similarly dressed people.

Pepper: I feel like a joke.
Cam: You're not a joke. You're Pepper Salzman!

It was the nineties, we'd just lost Princess Di. I was at sea.

Cam [on dating Pepper]

Mitchell: Nobody kisses at a bowling alley!
Cam: I almost got a turkey!

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

Mitchell: Aren't you going to change into a working man's outfit?
Cameron: I don't think workmen really call them outfits.

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

If I have to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one more time, I will snap!

Every home-improvement project we've undertaken has been a near-death experience.

I get it, you're terrfied of small talk and birds, you're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.

Calm down, you know I grew up around many animals. One time a rooster attacked me and my mom rung its neck and we had it for dinner.