Oh, the smiley face makes it okay! 'I waterboarded our toddler, LOL!'

Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.

You cheated on me with choreography and that is the worst kind.

That gay cruise ship has sailed.

Cam [on Lily having a normal childhood]

How was it a big day for Biscuit? How?

That's a lot of complaining for somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.

Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? You had squeaky thighs; I lost a childhood.

Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16 Cherokee. Ready for child to soar like eagle.

Disabled inter-racial lesbians? With an African-American kicker? I did not see that coming.

Mitchell: She wants us to buy Lily a Blackberry.
Cam: She doesn't have the dexterity for that!

Cam: I hate your beard.
Mitchell: Wow, you had that bullet in the chamber.

After the earthquake, it might be nice to be around similarly dressed people.

Modern Family Quotes

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.

Mitchell: I ran into this guy who runs the bait shop.
Jay: Is that a gay bar?