We are beyond blotting and rubbing, we've moved on to sweating and crying.

If this were the '60s, we would be 'confirmed bachelors,' and Lily would be a Yorkie.

You don't tell your partner you may have a baby with someone else and then go back to eating a delicious and inventive meal like it's NOTHING!

Cam: Tell me all about Mitchell in high school. Did he have a beard?
Tracy: You're looking at her.

You are living in a little girl's toy and you have to move out!

Cam [to Barry]

Cam: There's a stranger in our hot tub.
Mitchell: Who is it?
Cam: You do know what stranger means, don't you?

She bit me! Ow! She did it again! It's like Twilight back here!

Cam: She's already prone to flashbacks, if you know what I mean.
Mitchell: You know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right?

We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.

Oh, the smiley face makes it okay! 'I waterboarded our toddler, LOL!'

Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.

You cheated on me with choreography and that is the worst kind.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.