You are living in a little girl's toy and you have to move out!

Cam [to Barry]

Cam: There's a stranger in our hot tub.
Mitchell: Who is it?
Cam: You do know what stranger means, don't you?

She bit me! Ow! She did it again! It's like Twilight back here!

Cam: She's already prone to flashbacks, if you know what I mean.
Mitchell: You know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right?

We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.

Oh, the smiley face makes it okay! 'I waterboarded our toddler, LOL!'

Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.

You cheated on me with choreography and that is the worst kind.

That gay cruise ship has sailed.

Cam [on Lily having a normal childhood]

How was it a big day for Biscuit? How?

That's a lot of complaining for somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.

Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? You had squeaky thighs; I lost a childhood.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell