When I get home I'm gonna scrub this place like it's a crime scene, which it is because you murdered joy.

Get away from me temptress! And I never thought I'd call you that in a negative way.

Cam [to Mitchell]

She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Cam [about Lily]

Lily: I push the buttons Daddy!
Cam [in tears]: You sure do!

Cam: You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you?
Mitchell: No I told you it was fine, I just didn't like you wearing a matching one.

Well, you're pretending to be something you're not, and boys do that for girls or really dreamy boys.

He'll be here all week folks. Literally, because you're not coming home with me.

Mitchell: You do love pink.
Cam: No, pink loves me.

Cameron: You punctured our daughter!
Gloria: But did you see both sides? I didn't just do the gay ear, look!

Mitchell: How are you doing?
Cameron: Oh not good. I'm just glad my clown training prepared me to take a fall like that.
Mitchell: In terms of talking about it, are we looking at weeks? Months?
Cameron: Do not minimize it, oh he who I had to rush to the emergency room when he fell out of his clogs.

Cameron: I love Jay, but I don't know about him raising a child.
Mitchell: He raised me.
Cameron: Well now you've put me in an awkward position.

Cam: Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?
Mitchell: I do not.
Cam: You do it all the time and you know what I end up with? Wet Dreams. I heard it as soon as I said it; just leave it alone.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]