She may not have gotten our talent, but she didn't get our self-consciousness either.

Obviously there were 2 gifts wrapped similarly and my eyes were a little watery from the thick fog of vapor rub back there.

Cam: I present to you the Asian for any occassion, the clown that will invert that frown, the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cam: We're working on the name.

This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!

Cam: It was right about then that a question started nagging at me: "Is Phil sexy?"

Cam: Umm well I can raise the roof and do the cabbage patch.
Mitchell: And I can do the single lady hand thing.
Cam: Yeah but put your neck into it or you just look like the Queen waving.

Mitchell: There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle.
Cam: Or guncle.

Mitchell: She's gonna wake up.
Cam: Oh please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.

Cam: Let's get this woman into bed and in the morning out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Cam: I just can't believe I slipped into one of Gloria's dresses.
MItchell: Relax it's a maternity poncho.

Cam: Trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now our daughter is walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Right now you’re her pal and I’m just a pitchfork wielding she-devil.

Mitchell [to Cam]