Bishop: So our intruder accidentally killed himself--
Abby: --with a pipe bomb--
Bishop: --on the roof of NCIS headquarters.

Abby: I saw no moxie when she stayed at my place last night! She barely even spoke to me!
Jimmy: By any chance, did you have her sleep in your guest casket?
Abby: I do not have a guest *casket*, I have a guest *room*!

Sloane: So, if this ‘one of a kind’ Viking war stick is in storage…
Abby: What is it doing here?

Abby: Death by cookies.
McGee: Cookies.
Abby: Yes. Frosted almond cookies, with little almond bits and some poison mixed in.

McGee, you’re like this giant hamster on this giant guilt wheel! You have to get off of it!

McGee: What’d you do to your finger?
Abby: Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, well, I got a splinter. Don’t tell Gibbs, ‘cause he’ll, like, try to dig it out with a knife.

Abby [about McGee]: He’s not all that involved, so…
Delilah: Just right in the middle of it.
Abby: Like, directly in the middle of it, yes.

You’re speaking to someone who believes in God, who believes in the immortal soul, and whose third favorite movie is “Ghost.”

Abby: You… you don’t know what I think!
Sloane: You betcha, I don’t.

When it comes to stupidity, I would not underestimate this guy.

Curtis: You can call me… anything you want!
Abby: How about “Totally Inappropriate”?

Gibbs: What’ve you got?
Abby: What we’ve got is prep for a fishing trip if you’re gonna go after Moby Dick, or else Dean and Hudson were preparing for war.

NCIS Quotes

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott

Tony: One other question, I know you're an expert in English history. And I was just wondering, have you ever heard of Archibald Drummond, the 17th Earl of Trent?
Ducky: The Earl of Trent. No, I can't say I have. Why?
Tony: I was just wondering. Thanks.