McGee, you’re like this giant hamster on this giant guilt wheel! You have to get off of it!

McGee: What’d you do to your finger?
Abby: Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, well, I got a splinter. Don’t tell Gibbs, ‘cause he’ll, like, try to dig it out with a knife.

Abby [about McGee]: He’s not all that involved, so…
Delilah: Just right in the middle of it.
Abby: Like, directly in the middle of it, yes.

You’re speaking to someone who believes in God, who believes in the immortal soul, and whose third favorite movie is “Ghost.”

Abby: You… you don’t know what I think!
Sloane: You betcha, I don’t.

When it comes to stupidity, I would not underestimate this guy.

Curtis: You can call me… anything you want!
Abby: How about “Totally Inappropriate”?

Gibbs: What’ve you got?
Abby: What we’ve got is prep for a fishing trip if you’re gonna go after Moby Dick, or else Dean and Hudson were preparing for war.

Abby: Is this an order?
Vance: Yes! Go be a bad guy!

Abby: This is my nightmare! The only thing missing is Vance riding in on demon wings to fire me!
Torres: Well, that makes sense.
Abby: I usually wake up when his mustache turns into a snake.

Quinn [about a formerly broken plate]: How’d you get rid of the crack?
Abby [innocently]: Crack? What crack?

Abby: They're Navy rats.
Reeves: Officers or enlisted?

NCIS Quotes

We’re all as sick as our secrets, Clay, and we all need someone to talk to. Even you.

Bishop

The more you know, the less you understand.

Gibbs [on being told about memes]