On The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9 Episode 5, we'll all take a visit to Dr. Moon's office as Shannon and Vicki bond over holistic healing. 

And Heather Dubrow's throwing a hoedown. 

The jokes are so cheap there we can't even make them. Let's get started with our TVF +/- recap of The Real Housewives of Orange County...

Watch The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9 Episode 5 Online

Vicki and Shannon are meeting up at Dr. Moon's Energy Medicine Center for a little acupuncture and magnet therapy and communing with their intestines or whatever.

"I scream every now and then," Vicki says.

"I can show you how to scream," Dr. Moon replies.

"Oh, I got that down." Vicki speaks the truth. Plus 8.

Apparently Vicki's stress is in her butt? Minus 2.

Heather's meeting with her party planner to celebrate the groundbreaking for the lot where they're building their fancypants mansion. She's chosen a country-western hoedown theme and as she spouts out her ideas to the event planner, Nicole, she also says "my micromanaging is really getting better!"

Ahahahahaha.

At this party, Heather's having onion rings just for Terry. Plus 6.

Tamra and Shannon hang out and get manicures and are joined by Vicki. Tamra tells Vicki and Shannon about her lunch with Heather and immediately makes Heather out to be the bad guy. Shannon's jumping on the Tamra-Vicki bandwagon.

Ugh.

Tamra's also throwing new housewife Lizzie under the bus calling her a mashup of Alexis and Gretchen. We've seen Lizzie ONE TIME and I feel confident telling the world that Lizzie is smarter than Gretchen and Alexis combined. The boobs, however...

Lizzie and Christian have the same issue as Shannon and David only their lack of alone time hasn't gone on for quite as long as their co-stars. Lizzie wants to get some lovin' from her husband and doesn't seem to need to be drunk to do it. 

Shannon and her daughters decorate their own house for Christmas. Using pictures from the previous years to make sure the decorations go back in the same place. All $20,000 of the Christmas ornaments.

Okay, okay. It's pretty. Plus 4.

Ryan, Tamra's son, works at their gym, but he doesn't like having his mom as his supervisor. But Tamra wants Ryan to be "Vicki Jr." Oh pleasegodno. Minus 3.

Ryan has no plan for his life. No goals. No long term ideas. He's just "living." Ryan, who has no plan, resents being told what to do by his mother who gave him a job when she didn't have to. Niiiiiiice. Minus 7.

Vicki's going to have her office and house feng shui'd by Shannon's decorator since she's distressed over the fact that Donn wants spousal support. 

The supply room of Coto Insurance is the moneymaking room of the office. The decorator's suggestion is to put a plant or a lamp in the room. That'll fix the leaking wealth problem. So would not following Shannon's every whim.

Tamra and Danielle are hanging out with Shannon and Lizzie. Tamra loves the holidays because she can get drunk and say stupid things, unlike any other night of the year when she gets drunk and says stupid things. Heather comes out to join the bunch, as does Vicki.

This is going to get interesting.

Vicki puts Tamra on the spot with Lizzie and Danielle saying "I didn't really meet your friends...you could introduce me to your friends..." Oh, Vicki. Minus 13.

Lizzie straight calls Vicki out on her lack of friendliness and in her one-on-one says "you know, they say insecurities are very loud?"

DING DING DING, Plus 14 to Lizzie!

When they get to dinner, Heather sits down at the table and Vicki tells her to move so Shannon can sit next to her. Shannon doesn't want to be bossed around by Heather about a chair but Heather thinks Shannon's reaction to the chair is a little overdone. Vicki, unsurprisingly, says absolutely nothing about the situation at all. Minus 5.

Vicki tries to ask Lizzie her heritage and it's awkward. Then orders a round of shots. Lizzie ends up without a shot and thinks that Vicki stiffed her on purpose. Vicki blames it on the waiter, and it was his fault because Vicki did order a round.

In the bathroom, Tamra asks Lizzie if she's okay with Vicki and it's clear that no, no Lizzie is NOT okay with Vicki.

These women are all at the same table with one another and talking about each other like no one can hear. It's so bizarre. drunk and bizarre.

While Danielle and Shannon are in the bathroom, the other four women get up and change seats. Ha! Plus 2.

When the ladies return, it's clear that Shannon is upset about being seated so far away from her BFF Vicki. Vicki who is going back to the office to do some work and who will have a booty call with Brooks later. Minus 35 for the mental image of Vicki and Brooks naked.

EPISODE TOTAL:  -31   SEASON TOTAL:  -226

What did you think of the Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9 Episode 5? Was the chair issue really THAT big a deal? Team Lizzie or Team Vicki?

Miranda Wicker was a Staff Writer for TV Fanatic. She retired in 2017. Follow her on Twitter.