Reign Review: Watch the Throne

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Though it had some bustles, the campiest marital arguments this side of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?", and at least one stabbing, I'm with Francis... most of Reign Season 1 Episode 9 was as silly and hard to care about as Nostradamus's prophecy.

Perhaps the prophecy itself was the problem. I had a hard time drumming up much interest in watching a bunch of characters stand fairly still and yell about a prophecy for most of an hour.

Yes, it was awesome when Francis starting wailing on Bash. Yes, Queen Catherine remains a consistent source of outrageously good Reign quotes  and the most likeable TV bitch this side of Jessica Lange.

Yes, the marriage plot was a very "creative" way to finally get Bash some camera time. All good things!

But too much of this hour felt like a bunch of people passionately debating the existence of Santa - entertaining for a few minutes, but really pushing my patience after a while. Where is the lust? Where are the forest people? Where, oh, WHERE are the dresses?!

Things picked up considerably after conclusions were reached; in its final quarter, the show exploded back into that totally unhinged action that makes me love it so. Catherine's exiled! No, she's a prisoner! Bash is a prisoner! No, he's legitimate now! The wild reversals of fortune are what make this show so addictive - that and the random stabbings, of course.

But it was unfortunate that so much of this mid-season premiere was bogged down in bickering that I, at least, found it very difficult to get worked up about (even more so than the bickering about land division, and that's saying something).

About that stabbing: insert obligatory "Nostradamus should have seen that coming" comment here. But the saga of Bag Face the Ghost grows ever more intriguing.

Is Nostradamus a monster who locks up girls for fun? Or is he being a hero by keeping a very troubled woman away from the rest of court? Is he keeping her prisoner because he saw her commit a crime in a vision? Or did he kidnap her because she proved one of his prophecies wrong?

Man, I hate Nostradamus. He's one of the most untrustworthy fur-vest-wearing men on TV (that's also saying something).

What could be on tap for the rest of the season? The murder of Diane? The murder of Bash? The murder of Francis? Bag Face as a bridesmaid? I certainly don't know, and I'm not some fur vest-wearing CHARLATAN who claims to have the answers (okay, there will definitely be some murders, that's just a hunch).

But I am fully confident that Reign will be back to its old form soon enough. They couldn't keep this show boring if they tried.

Official Reign FashionWatch: 6/10, just because we only saw the Ladies for like 30 seconds, and Mary kept wearing that one dress that looked like a robe. But King Henry actually looked pretty sharp in those throne room scenes. His shirt was like what I would make my boyfriend wear to a relaxed, casual dinner date with Kanye West.

But there are some things even more important that fashion-forward men's wear. Like:

Will Bash and Mary really get married?

For King and Country Review

Editor Rating: 3.6 / 5.0
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Rating: 4.5 / 5.0 (64 Votes)
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Reign Season 1 Episode 9 Quotes

Queen Catherine: I grow weary of your threats.
King Henry: I grew weary of you a decade ago.

King Henry: What did you expect? Mary's his fiancee, they were hours from being wed.
Queen Catherine: Until she rode off with his brother. I'd call that engagement off.