Gossip Girl Review: From Cash to Trash

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Gossip Girl kicked off the home stretch of its fifth season tonight with an episode that picked up about a month after we left the gang in February and set a lot of different things in motion for the spring run.

Perhaps most significantly, Dair happened. Sexually. It took awhile, and a lot of booze, but it's on.

This actually wasn't a hugely Dair-centric episode, but the new lovebirds did have their drunken moments, and whichever side you're on in the Great Ship War 2012, these events likely didn't change your opinion.

Dan and Blair detractors will point to the fact that they used alcohol as a crutch to work through their initial intimacy jitters, and argue that they lack the natural chemistry that will sustain this long-term.

Supporters will note, just as accurately, that every relationship has growing pains, but they worked through those jitters through honest communication (vodka and whiskey-induced, but nevertheless).

Louis' Ex-Wife

Regardless of how believable you find Blair and Dan having elevator sex, these two are a hoot. Their drunken chats with each other, and Dorota and Nate, respectively, were some of the night's lightest, best moments.

With Chuck nowhere to be found in their storyline, and barely a mention of the stupid dowry, B & D were free to explore their feelings out in the open, mostly, for the first time, and it was a lot of fun.

Will it last? Who the heck knows. But the next chapter should be entertaining to say the least.

While they offered some sexy and comedic highlights, Dair was mostly in B-plot land tonight. The other intertwining storylines were more significant in advancing the season's overall narrative(s). Let's examine:

Ivy, the titular "Con Heir," found herself blackballed, which is hilarious in that she has (or had) all the money. That's Lily for you. It's not just money, it's who you know, and Ivy's the ultimate outsider.

It speaks to the kind of show Gossip Girl has become, but it was actually quasi-believable that William attempted to play both sides, securing blackmail money and jeopardizing Ivy's status as beneficiary.

That was quite a scheme. Chuck would be proud.

For now, no one but Carol knows he's Lola's dad, but that's destined to change, and soon. He almost told her tonight it felt like. You could tell he genuinely felt bad. For a bona fide sleaze, he's just so nice!

In any case, what we witnessed in "Con Heir" was only the opening salvo in this war. Ivy's assets are frozen and she's stuck with a $31,000 catering bill, but if this girl's proven anything, it's that she's got gumption.

Whether or not she manipulated CeCe or did anything illegal to secure her place in the will is an open question, but having come this far and tasted the Upper East Side life, she's not about to roll over now.

Rufus and Lily are clearly in it to the end. Think she's going to settle into that loft? Think again. Lola isn't going anywhere, either. After coming around to the idea that this is her family, she's an outsider no more.

It's more than a bit convoluted, but holding my attention for now at least.

Serena in Black

Serena is Gossip Girl 3.0. Blame it on the situation - Ivy tormenting her family, S feeling ostracized - but she is going to a dark, dark place. As soon as she opened that laptop, you could see it in her eyes.

It's been too long since Serena was the center of attention ... for viewers and for Serena herself. You know she's been itching for a reason to get her hands dirty, and with everything going on, well ...

The dam is about to burst, and I love it. On the outs at the Spectator, and having been slapped down by her own fake cousin, what can't she undermine if given the chance? Say hello to the puppet master!

Whether she can hang in this presumed new role is debatable, though ... her first foray was pretty weak. Why not just draft the blast and make it live as soon as William had the check in hand?!

Crazily, that wasn't even the biggest plot hole in the Gossip Girl/Serena storyline. When S opened the computer, a month later, from G singular, she received the one, and only, password to the infamous blog.

That's right, Gossip Girl doesn't even have Gossip Girl's password and can't even get into her own site! Are you kidding me with this? I guess that's the price you pay when you let Georgina Sparks fill in.

Chuck totally didn't get a blood transfusion from Jack, and his alleged mom, Elizabeth Fisher, probably didn't do the honors either. Is anyone not thinking Diana Payne is the mystery donor/Chuck family member?

With a little help from the Spectator's crack research staff, and a final push from a non-crippled youth actor, Chuck ascertained that there's no way Jack could've donated his heavily, frequently compromised blood.

As cover stories go, that wasn't too well thought out. The elder Bass didn't even try to fight the lie by the end. If nothing else, it was an excuse to visit his nephew, take a lot of drugs and entertain us.

His appearance was merely a conduit to a deepening mystery for Chuck, but it was great to see Desmond Harrington back this week. When he's not flagrantly at war with Chuck, their rapport is priceless.

Implying that he contracted the disease from Pamela Anderson, then proclaiming himself the Magic Johnson of Hepatitis C in the same sentence? That's a first ballot Hall of Fame line by Uncle Jackass.

Nate nearly secured a big investor, lost control of his big Ivy exclusive, then lost the investor, then fired Serena over it, then found himself facing the prospect of firing his staff or crawling back to Diana.

Hey, at least he presumably got it on with Lola after he got off the phone.

We won't know until May 14 whether the payoffs will be worth it, but this was a pretty good start to the spring. Before we turn it over to your comments, here's next week's promo for "It Girl, Interrupted":

What did you think of tonight's Gossip Girl? Will Ivy eventually taken down by the gang? Will Lola learn the truth? What will Serena do as the new G.G.? Who saved Chuck? Will Dair last? Tell us below!

Review

Editor Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
  • 4.0 / 5.0
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User Rating:

Rating: 4.3 / 5.0 (981 Votes)

Steve Marsi is the Managing Editor of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Google+ or email him here.

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@ikra1985: actually, I read it was worst: CW Gossip Girl 0.5/1 0.97 and they they lost 200,000 viewers half way throug the episode.The lowest rated episode in the show’s history. If somebody would be so kind to verify this info...

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RATINGS : 1,01 milion :-D...... You still LOVE DAIRY? REALLY?

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I really enjoy Dan and Blair as friends, but I simply don't understand why one opposite sex couple on the show couldn't simply remain friends. It was refreshing! Making them a couple seems so forced and out of place given the events of the beginning and middle of the season. Last night's episode did not do the relationship any favors unfortunately. Big sigh. I genuinely liked them as friends and enjoyed watching their friendship grow. Having a platonic relationship between two opposite sex adults on a show was nice and so uncommon on a show like this. I guess that is why it couldn't last.

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Bottom line: Dan and Blair as a couple are totally boring. As friends, they were adorable. The writers need to realize that we've waited for years for Chuck and Blair to finally be together. And we want them to be the real Blair and Chuck, Chuck and Blair .... Not the lifeless drones they've turned the characters into this season.

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GG is nothing without Chair which is why this season is so low in ratings. With Dair as a couple? The ratings will only keep going down. The elevator sex scene was cheap, uncharactersitic of both of them, made no sense and was excruciating to watch. It's so obvious how awkward the scene was. The writers have really cheapen Blair.

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@bettydraper , glad to see im not alone on that issue. I still cant get over EP 5x17 how they completely ripped 2x25 from us by switching a few lines, disrespect to a whole new level but as much as i would love to bitch about it i have to move on. But for people to actually try and bring 1x07 as a topic against chair fans is just stupid. Im so sick of hearing dair fans say " 4 years in the making, okay thats cool bro. WE OUR 5 YEARS HAPPENING ? " Like our you dair fans really gonna feel that same way when blair cheats on dan with chuck just like she has for every other guy? Do you really wanna see a replay of season 2 were blair thinks she wants the other guy (nate) and she returns to chuck 3-4 episodes later? Like come on, as i said before if i were a dan fan i would not want him near spitting distance of blair after the shit she has said/done to him, his family and there friends. But hey that's me. I have dealt with 5 years of this shit, so its not gonna surprise me when she screws him over like she has to everyone else. Shit happens i guess, but trying to use something as precious as 1x07 is just stupid because im sure everyone is fully aware how serious chair fans our about our couple .. and shit like that is not taken lightly.

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Isn't Dair the cutest couple? God I hope the writers make more sex scenes for Dair;)

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I love what they are doing with it. The show always gets better right before the season ends...However have you guys forgotten what Serena did to Blair in Season 1 with Nate...Um Hello!!! how is what Blair is doing so much more wrong? if I may say, B and Lonely are drunk just like Serena and Nate were so S has no reason to get angry at that. i think Serena is getting exactly what she deserves..oh poor Serena lol. As for the other things going down, it will probably work out that Diana Payne was the one that gave Chuck blood and that she is actually his real mother...a little stretch but i am sure it will work out that way. Lola, needs to find out the truth and fast or this Ivy chick is really going to take them for a ride...she is an actress after all, she has many "faces".

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I agree with most of the comments - theres a forced chemistry between Blair & Dan & what a turnabout...totally in love with 1 man, marries another, gives up on her love & is automatically in love with someone else (knowing it hurts her best friend in the process). What makes all these guys so crazy about Blair - with her manipulating she seems to bring out the worst in a man. What I would like to see is Chuck somehow forging a relationship with Jenny Humphrey, thus bringing a jealous Blair running only for her to bear the brunt of her own callousness. I hope the GG writers will catch a wake-up, the plots are becoming more & more contrived & in true soapie fashion the heroine cannot be happy but has to sleep with every male on the show...please let's have some morality & class.

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If it's unwatchable then you have your solution - don't watch!!! That's not rocket science. Look if you are going to bash Dair at least have a reasoned, sensible point instead of the usual pointless, irrelevant rants. Who cares whether Blair was drunk in the limo scene or not. Fact of the matter is Dair is happening so suck it up. The nastiness is just tiresome. Why can't you just take the show as it comes. I like all the characters and find Dair sweet and funny and found Chair intense and passionate and appreciate both. As long as all the characters end up in a happy place when the show finishes I don't care who ends up with whom!