Gossip Girl Review: From Cash to Trash

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Gossip Girl kicked off the home stretch of its fifth season tonight with an episode that picked up about a month after we left the gang in February and set a lot of different things in motion for the spring run.

Perhaps most significantly, Dair happened. Sexually. It took awhile, and a lot of booze, but it's on.

This actually wasn't a hugely Dair-centric episode, but the new lovebirds did have their drunken moments, and whichever side you're on in the Great Ship War 2012, these events likely didn't change your opinion.

Dan and Blair detractors will point to the fact that they used alcohol as a crutch to work through their initial intimacy jitters, and argue that they lack the natural chemistry that will sustain this long-term.

Supporters will note, just as accurately, that every relationship has growing pains, but they worked through those jitters through honest communication (vodka and whiskey-induced, but nevertheless).

Louis' Ex-Wife

Regardless of how believable you find Blair and Dan having elevator sex, these two are a hoot. Their drunken chats with each other, and Dorota and Nate, respectively, were some of the night's lightest, best moments.

With Chuck nowhere to be found in their storyline, and barely a mention of the stupid dowry, B & D were free to explore their feelings out in the open, mostly, for the first time, and it was a lot of fun.

Will it last? Who the heck knows. But the next chapter should be entertaining to say the least.

While they offered some sexy and comedic highlights, Dair was mostly in B-plot land tonight. The other intertwining storylines were more significant in advancing the season's overall narrative(s). Let's examine:

Ivy, the titular "Con Heir," found herself blackballed, which is hilarious in that she has (or had) all the money. That's Lily for you. It's not just money, it's who you know, and Ivy's the ultimate outsider.

It speaks to the kind of show Gossip Girl has become, but it was actually quasi-believable that William attempted to play both sides, securing blackmail money and jeopardizing Ivy's status as beneficiary.

That was quite a scheme. Chuck would be proud.

For now, no one but Carol knows he's Lola's dad, but that's destined to change, and soon. He almost told her tonight it felt like. You could tell he genuinely felt bad. For a bona fide sleaze, he's just so nice!

In any case, what we witnessed in "Con Heir" was only the opening salvo in this war. Ivy's assets are frozen and she's stuck with a $31,000 catering bill, but if this girl's proven anything, it's that she's got gumption.

Whether or not she manipulated CeCe or did anything illegal to secure her place in the will is an open question, but having come this far and tasted the Upper East Side life, she's not about to roll over now.

Rufus and Lily are clearly in it to the end. Think she's going to settle into that loft? Think again. Lola isn't going anywhere, either. After coming around to the idea that this is her family, she's an outsider no more.

It's more than a bit convoluted, but holding my attention for now at least.

Serena in Black

Serena is Gossip Girl 3.0. Blame it on the situation - Ivy tormenting her family, S feeling ostracized - but she is going to a dark, dark place. As soon as she opened that laptop, you could see it in her eyes.

It's been too long since Serena was the center of attention ... for viewers and for Serena herself. You know she's been itching for a reason to get her hands dirty, and with everything going on, well ...

The dam is about to burst, and I love it. On the outs at the Spectator, and having been slapped down by her own fake cousin, what can't she undermine if given the chance? Say hello to the puppet master!

Whether she can hang in this presumed new role is debatable, though ... her first foray was pretty weak. Why not just draft the blast and make it live as soon as William had the check in hand?!

Crazily, that wasn't even the biggest plot hole in the Gossip Girl/Serena storyline. When S opened the computer, a month later, from G singular, she received the one, and only, password to the infamous blog.

That's right, Gossip Girl doesn't even have Gossip Girl's password and can't even get into her own site! Are you kidding me with this? I guess that's the price you pay when you let Georgina Sparks fill in.

Chuck totally didn't get a blood transfusion from Jack, and his alleged mom, Elizabeth Fisher, probably didn't do the honors either. Is anyone not thinking Diana Payne is the mystery donor/Chuck family member?

With a little help from the Spectator's crack research staff, and a final push from a non-crippled youth actor, Chuck ascertained that there's no way Jack could've donated his heavily, frequently compromised blood.

As cover stories go, that wasn't too well thought out. The elder Bass didn't even try to fight the lie by the end. If nothing else, it was an excuse to visit his nephew, take a lot of drugs and entertain us.

His appearance was merely a conduit to a deepening mystery for Chuck, but it was great to see Desmond Harrington back this week. When he's not flagrantly at war with Chuck, their rapport is priceless.

Implying that he contracted the disease from Pamela Anderson, then proclaiming himself the Magic Johnson of Hepatitis C in the same sentence? That's a first ballot Hall of Fame line by Uncle Jackass.

Nate nearly secured a big investor, lost control of his big Ivy exclusive, then lost the investor, then fired Serena over it, then found himself facing the prospect of firing his staff or crawling back to Diana.

Hey, at least he presumably got it on with Lola after he got off the phone.

We won't know until May 14 whether the payoffs will be worth it, but this was a pretty good start to the spring. Before we turn it over to your comments, here's next week's promo for "It Girl, Interrupted":

What did you think of tonight's Gossip Girl? Will Ivy eventually taken down by the gang? Will Lola learn the truth? What will Serena do as the new G.G.? Who saved Chuck? Will Dair last? Tell us below!

Review

Editor Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
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User Rating:

Rating: 4.3 / 5.0 (993 Votes)

Steve Marsi is the Managing Editor of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Google+ or email him here.

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@Zoran
Crap, I lied! I saw your post and had to look for this one, and this is coming straight from Chuck's mouth: "I left the Empire State building last year after two minutes when you didn't show. Louis waited all night." Now I'm gone, I promise!

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I hope that the writers are just trying to stretch out the Blair/Chuck story to go a little longer and closer to either the season finale or series finale before putting them back together...maybe that is their end game. This Dan hiccup is ridiculous. I cannot be more bored with that pairing and I cannot see the chemistry. She had zero chemistry with Louis and rates at a 1 on a scale of 1-10 with Dan. He is just such a boring character that to strap her to him just pulls her down. I guess I should just make sure to have a book handy to read during future GG eps until this storm passes.

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Yes IMO she chose the wrong one, but you're right both were two evil thing to choose. Gotta go so I say goodbye for now, have a good evening or day depending where you live.

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@Jonas
Dorota is that that day had a baby. But Dorota is not the whole day giving birth. Jenny was the morning that day painted Serena and Dan to sleep together in bed. She sent a recording to GG, because she was in love with Nate. Nate got mad at Serena broke up with her. This is why Blair went to Brooklyn to punish Jenny. It was not her job. Chuck was whole day waiting at the top of the building with a ring to propose to her, said it later. He mentioned the time, waiting for the right to 19 h. He then immediately went disappointed. Thus disappointed in his apartment, he met with Jenny who came to Nate. Since both were disappointed, were comforted in bed together (Jenny lost her virginity at the time). Unfortunately, Blair arrived late, at the top of the building remained only her favorite flowers in a basket of garbage.

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@ Betty Draper
I'm actually referring about what happened during the dance and what Louis said to Blair, did you not watch that? What Louis told Blair sounded pretty much loveless to me anyway.

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@Jonas
Well you remember the scene, but you did not understand. Serena had to choose between two evils. What is worse - to kill a man or sleep with another man. Unfortunately, Serena is wrong in relation to the Dan. She said that she slept with another man. Later she repented, but too late. However, the greater evil is to kill another man than commit adultery! I think in that the time between Serena and Dan led the fight over how much trust one another. Both have fallen on that exam!

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@ Zoran wasn't Dorota having a baby that stopped Blair? Waited for Blair a whole day my ass! Oh, yeah season 2 Chair. Didn't Chuck chicken out by not saying ILY to Blair and then later scheming and undermine her in the beginning. Almost at the end of season 2 he started actually doing nice things for her and then finally owned a pair and told Blair that he did love her.

Ava-mila

@ Jonas
I don't really understand how you can marry someone if you don't love him at all but ok.
Of course it's worse but Blair is a forgiving person, and she was the one who stopped Chuck from going away forever with Eva in the train station scene. I would totally understand if she could never forgive him but she did and he deserved it after this season.
Lucky you, she never came back for me. A Blair who gets drunk just so she can spice up her sex life is nothing I wanna see. Especially in a elevator in SERENAS ex house where was a benefit in honor of SERENAS dead grandma. To me that's just tasteless and gross.

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@ Zoran No Dan came to Blair's penthouse looking for Serena to ask her what was wrong, Nate, Chuck and Blair stopped him. Then Serena appeared and a moment later Dan asked if she has cheated and she said "yes" instead of telling him the truth to him.

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@UESNY
're Completely right! I agree with you!

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