Jersey Shore Review: "Three Men and a Snooki"
Hey Snooki, what's it like on the planet where you live?
Sigh. Poor Snooks. Can't a girl flash her kooka at a club without having an international incident anymore? No? OK fine. Well, at least she still has Jenni to make her feel better. And Vinnie and his, ahem, equipment. If it wasn't so un-ladylike, I'd make reference to her nickname for Vinnie here (cough *Seabiscuit* cough). Hey, her words, not mine. Guess we all know what he's hung like now...
In the masterpiece of dialogue known as "Three Men and a Snooki," quotable lines abound. My personal favorite is when Jionni tells Snooki "What do you mean you're not being yourself? You get drunk seven days a week, hook up with girls, and you flash your underwear, I thought that was who you are?" Ouch, man. Just...ouch. He accompanies this zinger by telling her she was dancing inappropriately in the club "like a pig." And he wonders why she hung up the phone in disgust? I guess everyone has a breaking point, and that includes Snooki.
Even with the knowledge that they're presently still together, I can't help but feel like that relationship is bad for both parties. I know you can't help who you love, but JWOWW nailed it when she said that Snooki isn't herself with Jionni, and that he wants to change who she is as a person. Not to mention the fact that Jionni needs to work on his geography skills. He said he "flew all the way across the country" to see Snooki but Psst, Jionni? You actually flew across several countries. And an ocean. OK, just needed to clear that up.
Somewhere out there exists a pint-sized guido who's proud to have his woman show her junk to the world and dress sexy for him, I just know it. Keep holding out hope for that, Snooki. And in the meantime, good thing you have Vinnie's bed to keep you warm.
Another priceless moment was when JWOWW kept telling Snooki she was being a "Sam" and Sammi interjected that she'd prefer if Jenni tell her she's being "the old Sam" because Sam2.0 is so much more mature and handles her relationships better. Actually, Ronnie and Sammi do seem to be more stable these days, and I give Sammi credit for making fun of herself. Then Sammi told Snooki it was OK that she looked like hell, because she obviously felt like it, too. Nice recovery, Sam. It's alright, we were totally all thinking that as well.
Then, Mike tries to claim some extra screen time by attempting to convince Snooki that he's in love with her and would treat her better than Jionni. Nice try, dude, but Snooki made it clear that she doesn't want to have your Situation babies. And speaking of babies...
I think the entire world let out a collective sigh of relief when we found out Deena was not going to be bringing a second generation of Jersey Shore into the world. Yet. Hey, I love their antics as much as the next person, I just don't think they necessarily scream out "parenting material" at this stage of the game.
One has to wonder, however, why Deena seemed more concerned about shaming her parents than about possibly drowning her (imaginary) baby in booze and cigarettes when she did suspect she might be preggers? Deena, you do know babies don't like nicotine and Jagermeister, right?
Luckily JWOWW had her head on straight to consider such matters, and by the end of the episode Deena's lasting legacy was being the girl with the entire apartment piled onto her bed (and for being trapped under the sofa), rather than the girl with the ill thought-out pregnancy scare.
Finally, I'd like to thank Pauly for bringing a little bit of Seaside to Florence when he set up his DJ equipment and turned their house into Karma-Across-The-Ocean. Is there no end to how amusing and likeable that kid is? If I could be guido friends with anyone in that house, Pauly would win hands down. Or rather, abs down. I normally don't care for men with blowouts but I challenge anyone to withstand his prankster charm. The "D" in his name may seem like it's for "DelVecchio," but I like to think it stands for "Dope" (in a good way, obvi). Either that or "Don't touch my hair," which is also highly probable.
Anyway next week we witness the fallout from Snooki's adventures between Vinnie's sheets, and I for one can't wait. Keep it right here for more Lifestyles of the Rich and Fist Pumping, Shore-heads. And until then, try to behave yourselves.