Each Gossip Girl episode is reviewed by New York Magazine, then assigned a score according to the magazine's arbitrary, but hilarious "realism scale."

This week's show, "The Dark Night," measured -5 on the nonsensical system. Here are some highlights from the publication's Gossip Girl analysis ...

• OMG! Marcus punched Chuck! Nobody ever gets what they deserve on this show. Plus 4.

• All the women in this episode have sweaty, dewy cleavage but perfect hair and non-sweaty upper lips. How is that fair? Realistic, we mean. Minus 5.

• Nate's hair is better in this episode. It's less dry corn husk and more Greek statue. As it should be. Plus 2.

• We started hating those thin collars Dan was wearing two whole episodes ago. But now that they are button-down? Unforgivable. Minus 2.

• Speaking of Gossip Girl fashion disasters, that white Chanel belt totally made Serena van der Woodsen look pregnant. Minus 5.

• Blair: "Hot young guy, aging beauty having her last fling before the plastic surgery starts? It's called a cliché." Plus 5.

• "What names does he call you when you make love?" Honestly? What names does anyone call each other when they "make love"? In high school. Minus 2.

• We're so glad that Vanessa told Dan how The Duchess threatened her to get her away from Nate. If this were any other show, she would have, like, not told and made us wait until like the end of the next episode, like how they always tease that Lo is going to eat Audrina's live, beating heart out of her chest during every episode of The Hills, but it never happens. Plus 2.

• Dan thinks that the very existence of rich people who are advantaged is unfair and he can't bear to be with Serena because of it. Thatis the reason, we are led to believe, for their breakup. Minus 10.

• For a moment, when Blair sold out Nate to Catharine, we thought "no way." Then we thought better. Plus 1.

Steve Marsi is the Managing Editor of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Google+ or email him here.